| one year (plus two days) ago Marc and I took vows that were no joke. Weddings are beautiful, blessed events filled with so much hope and promise, but just as our marriage prep warned us, it's not the wedding you are preparing for, but the marriage. Marriage is the most amazing adventure I've ever been on and Marc is the most amazing partner I could have asked for. But as much as I wish it were all butterflies and lovefests, our marriage has been a true test of our vows since day one. When we missed the plane for our honeymoon the morning after our wedding and had to re-book and re-pack in a matter of hours, we finally took on Europe with only one another to rely on. With less money in our pockets, tape holding together Marc's glasses, our medication and clothes in lost luggage somewhere else, and on a completely different continent, we realized that marriage truly requires commitment and above all, faith. God tested us to see if even all we had was one another if it would be enough, and sure enough, we learned that lesson in our first days as man and wife, literally. Settling into day to day life with a man that was truly created just for me has been easier than I expected. Butterflies and lovefests still exist, not so much in the extravagant events of life, but in the mundane occurrences of the day. Expressions of love are not only cards and fancy dates, but when he walks on the street side for me, turns on the house alarm when he leaves for work before me, when he cooks or cleans when I'm too tired or stressed out to do it myself, etc. My love for him is best expressed in washed and ironed shirts, clean dishes, rides to work when I have the summer off and he doesn't, etc, etc. And of course, the ability to be ourselves around each other, to come home to the person who knows us best, and the feeling of having a partner to support you and help you always is priceless. This love has been one of the only things sustaining me for the past few months. Luckily, we never have to take vows with our parents, but nonetheless, such commitment exists. In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or worse, our parents (well, most parents) love us, and as we get older, the roles reverse. When my father lapsed into a coma, my commitment to him, as well as to my Heavenly father, was pushed to its limits. My brother and I were asked to choose life or death for the man who gave us both life, a heartbreaking decision that was only made for us through prayer and faith. Loving and praising God was easy as a newlywed hoping to bring forth life with her husband, but now, as a grieving daughter facing the death of her father, was it still as easy? Through prayer and faith, and the wonderful support of our Priest and church, we chose to keep our dad alive, leaving the rest up to God. In the many heartbreaking moments that ensued, I found that the vows I took once publicly with Marc, I had to take daily and privately with God. A friend of mine who lost her father years ago said that the hardest thing for her was to tell God that she loved Him above her earthly father and trusted Him above all things. I felt like I died a little each day as I watched life continue around me without my dad in it. I wanted so badly to be angry with God, but found that a love so perfect wasn't so easy to discard. Faith that had come so easily to me before was so hard to comprehend, but nonetheless, it remained. I found that in the most difficult time in my life, as much as I wanted to let go of God, He refused to let go of me, and I swear there were days where He was probably pulling me along because I could not stand on my own. Before this, I thought I had trials that I could attest to God's love with, but I realize it wasn't the case. Truly, our God is a wonderful one who never leaves our side, and I trust that He was at my dad's side the whole time. We sing and pray and shout so many times in this community that all we have is His, but do we truly entrust all we have to Him? I didn't understand this until I had to entrust the first man I loved to Him. I've talked the talk for years, and finally I had to concretely walk the walk. At youth conference, I touched His cloak, held on to Him for dear life, and told God I entrusted my father to Him, that all I had was His, even my father. I asked God to take what was His. A couple of weeks later, God answered my prayer and took my father Home to be with Him. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. In a year filled with baptisms and funerals, I talked often with Marc about the sadness in the fact that we as humans only truly make a big deal out of life when it begins and when it ends. But every day in between matters just as much, and should be a celebration, because truly you never know when it will be your last. In our adult life, we often talk about life insurance, about what will be left behind once we are no more. Monthly, we pay into something that we will not take with us. The only image that gives me solace in the absence of my father is the image of him in paradise, free of sickness, perfect and happy with his mother, smiling down at us. And I can talk to him anytime I want in prayer. This makes me realize that the only life insurance we have as Christians is the promise of Heaven, of an eternity with Love. And this insurance we pay into daily, with acts of love and faith, and with truly living. Then we leave behind perfect memories and teach others to love, just as my dad left for me. And I hope to God, that we get to take these memories with us. :) As we celebrate our one year wedding anniversary, Marc and I realize that we have had our share of 'for worse'. And through it all, he has stood by me through the worst point of my life, loving me and praying for me. He is a wonderful man, because, trust me, I have been the worst version of myself. In our anniversary card, he told me there was no place he would have rather been. Unbelievable. I can't believe I get to spend a lifetime with this man, and I know my dad is smiling down from Heaven that he didn't entrust me to a lesser man. We take on every day now knowing that it could, very well, be our last one together, and we try our best to pay into our eternal life insurance daily. We're taking on life and the world the way both my earthly and Heavenly fathers would have us do. We spent our anniversary riding water slides at Great Wolf, eating the best steaks ever at the Met, and will take off tonight for a cruise to the Bahamas... all wonderful and worthy celebrations of the best/worst year of our lives. But above all, we're spending our anniversary and our lives in love with each other and the God that keeps us together. And that's the best celebration ever. I don't know about y'all, but I'm about ready for some 'for better'. :) |
(insert throw up noise here)